Movie Review: San Andreas

Last night, we wanted to do a pizza and movie night, and I had seen San Andreas advertised on HBO, so I thought, “Why not?” Let me just get this out of the way at the beginning… Why not? Well, because it sucks, that’s why!

SAN ANDREAS Still

I’ve never been a huge fan of The Rock. He’s just never appealed to me that much. The only thing he has going for him is his massive biceps. He’s just a shitty actor. That’s my opinion. I can’t say I’ve ever seen a movie where he did a stellar job acting. He’s just a better visual prop than anything else.

The very first thing I had beef with in the movie was the unrealistic choice of actors to portray his family. Since he is clearly a mixed-race guy, his children should reflect that, right? The woman they chose to play his wife in this movie was also clearly mixed, so WHY IN THE SEVEN BLAZING HELLS was the girl chosen to play his daughter oh so very white?! I’m not trying to throw the race card out there. It’s just that when you see a guy with obviously African-American features and a woman with clearly some Hispanic and some African features, wouldn’t you assume a child they produced would have genetic features that represent both of their biologies? It irritated me that it didn’t mesh.

The stunts The Rock pulled in the helicopter at the beginning of the film, when they were rescuing that girl out of her car dangling on the side of the cliff also weren’t anywhere near realistic. As a person with a family member who pilots helicopters on rescue missions, I can say with absolute certainty that A) the helicopter can’t do that, and B) the pilot wouldn’t attempt that. It’s both dangerous and impossible at the same time, not to mention that hovering a helicopter above a vehicle dangling on the side of a sheer cliff is the perfect way to knock that vehicle loose and kill the person they’re attempting to rescue. It wouldn’t be done like that.

Los Angeles might sit in a seismically active area, but I’m pretty sure even a 9 or 10 magnitude earthquake would not topple our skyscrapers the way the movie portrayed. Heavily damage them yes, but topple them, no. In fact, I could be wrong here, but I believe every high-rise in Downtown Los Angeles has been retrofitted to withstand strong earthquakes, so while they may crack and crumble a bit, they will still be standing when the earthquake is over. I’m sure the same can also be said for San Francisco.

As to the tsunami portrayed in the movie, that shit is so fucking laughable. First off, let’s talk about that large cargo ship. I don’t know how widely known this fact is, but those containers on cargo ships aren’t just stacked on top of each other. They’re also bolted to the deck of the ship. They’re not just going to tumble off the deck like loose Legos. Secondly, how the hell do you steer a boat on a dime at full throttle when you’re going pretty much vertical? I’d love if someone could answer that for me. Thirdly, I highly doubt a tsunami triggered by an earthquake on the San Andreas fault would be high enough in San Francisco to place a cruise liner in Downtown San Francisco. Lastly, it would be damn near impossible to drive a boat through debris-strewn water like they portrayed The Rock doing without completely destroying both the boat and the engine on the back.

Honestly, I wanted so badly to like this movie and I sat down expecting to do just that, but it became clear pretty early into it that I was going to be nitpicking it for it’s laughably awful and impossible scenes. I’m sorry guys, but this movie was horrible! I’m glad I watched it for free with my HBO Now subscription, because renting/buying it would have been a very bad decision. It’s not worth the money they put into producing this very bad piece of shit film.

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5 thoughts on “Movie Review: San Andreas

  1. I’d joked with my sisters that they’d try to surf the tsunami or something equally ridiculous – I wasn’t far off /:

    Like

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